got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Randomize
