She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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