waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
should my penis look like a turkey
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
