youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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