I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
