Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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