I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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