dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls