I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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