hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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