my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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