I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
