I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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