After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
