Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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