i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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