I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
