Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
do herpes really smell.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
