you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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