I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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