just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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