Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
