dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
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her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
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I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding