i think my tv is drunk
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
