i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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