my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
