Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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