She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
home. puking in laundry basket.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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