I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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