he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
