I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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