my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
