this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
