There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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