Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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