Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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