I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
