So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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