nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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