he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
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