What did we do last night that was yellow?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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