just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
