Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
