I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
