I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
