just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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