Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
