Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Randomize
