Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
