no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
