I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
