well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
