If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
