The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
