God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
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he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
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If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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