She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
