Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
